This article is a brief discussion on my approach to relationships especially marriage. I call it a ‘perspective’ probably from my love of art. It is a way of looking at a scene you are drawing or painting. Standing in one place, you see what you are looking at one way, in moving you gain a different viewpoint. My point of view is conditioned I feel more from a lifetime of being interested in people and why they do or say what they do.

As a child, I was compelled by the threats I lived with to be alert to what people were doing around me. Leaving home at age 17, I joined the US Navy. It was a strange world to me. For one thing, it was predictable. People did what was expected of them. I observed all this.

As I took on the responsibility of a priest, this need to study what was going on around me became more nuanced. I now needed to add the responses I encountered due to the perception of religious authority: religion in America has an odd effect on people. It brings the best out of some; others tuck and hide; still, others are hostile in subtle ways. The important observation I made was external influences [perception of religious authority] change how people respond: they are not their real selves.

As I began my practice as a therapist, I noted that this effect of hiding our true selves broadened and deepened in a relationship: always to the detriment of the relationship.

I have learned the importance of truly listening to each person. Wondering what a person means by what they are saying and what I find an individual does not know how to express. I discover couples who repeatedly do not know how to describe what they are experiencing. How can you describe what you do not have words for, what you do not know? You are painfully aware something is wrong, but you do not have a way to express it clearly.

These perspectives are a way to help people find ways to express what has happened to them or what is occurring in their relationship. This structure does not impose meaning on an experience. They are a means for a person to express what they experienced.

I trust people. I trust they want help. But I know they find it difficult to impossible to say what is wrong. My responsibility is to help them find the words to describe what they cannot describe themselves.

There are all different ways to describe the way as people we interact with each other. In fact, there are endless ways one can understand our experience. We are unique individuals. Unique means ‘one of a kind.’ I use the word with this definition in mind. The Psalmist cries out: “Who is man that You are mindful of him?” (Psalm 8:4) We share in something of the mystery of God. We reflect who He is. In doing so, we have this mystery about us. When John spoke of Jesus in chapter 1 of his Gospel, he saw Jesus as disclosing the truth about God: ‘He knew God because Jesus was God. “ (John 1:1) The mystery of Jesus being God took the community of believers 300 years to describe.

How then do I reflect upon our experience? What are the perspectives that help me view a person’s struggles?

• We need to be kept safe from harm;
• We need to be able to express ourselves freely as we understand ourselves;
• We need to be understood for who we are by our partner;
• We stand in need of consoling words and emotional support;
• We need to be affirmed as we strive to live up to our ambitions.

When these perspectives are diminished or worse severely denied, our trust relationships become confusing or depleting. This confusion can render us emotionally helpless, and we spiral into anxiety, fear, anger or depression. This depletion will first affect how we feel about ourselves. If we cannot gain a clearer way to think about ourselves; feeling safer or stronger within ourselves, then this helplessness takes away from our relationship. We are soon in deep waters and drowning.

It’s hard to know if this confusion springs from a person understanding of their self or if they share what their spouse thinks about them. “Do I need to be clear how I feel about myself?” “Or, does my spouse need to adjust their thinking about me?” “Or, do I need to change how I see my spouse thinking about me?” It gets to be quite a tangled web.

Sorting these distortions out with a third person becomes necessary. Depending on the severity of my confusion this person can be a trusted friend, a wiser individual, e.g., A parent or my pastor. The more entrenched my difficulties are I need someone with the training, experience, and empathy to help me sort out my confusion.