Acceptance

Imagine a quiet morning
Green grass, blue sky, early morning birds flying across the sky
A still lake with miles to the far shore
Warm sun in the sky behind the large Old Oak
A bed of red tulips mixed purples and yellows
A bunny scampers across the grass

Near the house stands your Mother
A graceful woman some say
Beautiful
A lady who is generous with the grocery boy
She is wearing her favorite flowery blouse and wide brim sun hat
Some love to hear her voice in the lane coming up the hill

One does not, her daughter, you
You’re thinking she is anything but not graceful her words sting
Beauty, yes but not below the surface, in the heart, where it counts
I know
I have felt what she holds in her heart
A bitter childhood

Love? I can barely stand being here this weekend
Why did I come? Oh, yes her 90th birthday
We are both older now, did time heal anything for her, for me
The family is gathering the first time since Dad’s passing years ago
Dad, now he is the one I miss, I cried every night when he was ill
How did he love her, he loved her dearly

Her grandchildren wrap her in big hugs
There is my son, now a man, smiling and laughing with her
What is it about her that they love her and I can’t?
Dan’s arm is strong and holds me as I cry
‘I know,’ he says. Why?
I love you surely there is room in my heart for her?

In being loved, there is room for one who wounds you
Facing the grim reality that the person is who they are
They can be no different. They love you, but they don’t like you.
It hurts in their silences with you. The unsaid affirmation.
No cruel words but no warm words either.

Can I find room in my heart for this one who hurts me in silence
Have I been loved with great love that is bigger than the hurt?
Can I allow the whole truth of her life be who she is?
Her life before me was many years and too much bitterness
Has there been room in others hearts for me and my words?
Have I been given space to be me, and to be loved for all of me?

Acceptance is having room in my heart for one who hurt me.

 

James P. Raun
May 2016

 

Comments

Marriage’s complexity is pictured in the poem Acceptance. Dan loves his wife. She has found a way with him to attend her mother’s 90th birthday. ‘Mother and daughter’ are made up characters from conversations and heartaches shared with me over time.

How does Jesus see us having room in our heart’s for someone who hurts us? Pause for a moment with me, review the Lord’s Prayer He taught us. The prayer begins with “Our Father…” and it is found in Matthews Gospel chapter 6, verses 5-13. The phrase I am interested in goes, ‘forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.’ A frank recognition that we are owed something from those who injury us. You would be right to quickly point out that Jesus is not focusing on being repaid what we are owed. This is not the daughter’s perspective. She is looking for a love she has not received. A love we can readily agree a mother should offer to a daughter.

The poem offers this possibility: we can have room in our hearts for those who hurt us. Our dilemma is how can I love when hurt so deeply. Jesus is saying you can find the extra money to repay your debt when you realize you have received more from Jesus than you owe. Here is the complexity: where will such additional love come from since I have exhausted all my emotions on decades of hoping my mother would love me.

Our Lord asks us to love as He has loved us. So our struggle becomes how do I feel Jesus has loved me? Does He have a list I must meet to be loved by Him? Can you fulfill this list you feel He has? Or, is there no such list and you feel He loves you out of the depth of His goodness?

Either way, will not give you more room in your heart to love those who hurt you. First, you have a list you insist they fulfill: at least the daughter has such a list. If it is not met then how can you love when you believe you are owed more than what you are being given? Second, if He loves us with no regard to the hurts caused by others then how is this fair or even right? How good can He be if He is not concerned with the hurts we have received?

‘Room’ can be found in our heart when we know Jesus pays our ‘debts’ for us. And we do have debts we cannot pay unless He pays them.

In the intensity of a marriage, it is too easy to lose sight of this. In the weakness of our hearts, we do not desire to love as He loved us. We insist that ‘mother loves us as she should’, or, more to the point our spouse love us as we deserve. What do we deserve? This is the complexity Jesus offers us. He deserves more than we give Him. Yet, he is gladly willing to meet that obligation for us? Can we not be filled with joy and love at this fact? Is there not then more ‘room’ in our hearts to let go of what we are owed and to love with a full heart?